Let me start off by explaining my procrastination, my absolute resistance and reluctance to start this blog that I so very much “wanted”. I had some strange idea that this is what I’m supposed to do when I travel. I’m supposed to record my outward experiences, express them in fancy text, and then somehow I would have the street cred that perhaps I expected should come out of creating a blog. Instead, I am finding it extremely hard to write about anything compelling…compelling to whom you ask? Compelling to my anticipated audience. I am not one for long, extravagant posts on any social media platform…whether FB or Instagram. I find it challenging to find words that fit how I feel/think or in fact maybe I am just afraid I will not find the right words I think my readers expect of me. I am constantly aware of how incompetent I am at fitting in and at meeting expectations. Worrying about this potential “failure” (the negative spotlight I am putting myself in) I decide that if I can’t be perfect then I just won’t be a part of it at all.
Another reason for the delay in my blog is that personally I really wanted to write about my inner most feelings and I felt like this blog was supposed to be a travel blog….uplifting and inspiring. I feel like I have nothing inspiring to write about at all. What I really want to write about are my struggles, the loneliness I feel at times, how grateful I am for these experiences, all of those minor things that I felt were too mundane for this blog. Additionally, I feel too vulnerable to reveal such personal thoughts and feelings so openly. I’ve written journal entries here and there in hopes that I might have the courage to use whatever meaningful entries for this blog. Nothing yet has felt worthy. I am imagining people I know as well as strangers reading my blog and thinking “Seriously? This is the type of shit she’s thinking about? This is the shit that’s bothering her?!?” I am extremely conflicted as I also wonder why I might even entertain such thoughts…stranger or no stranger why does it matter so much to me the views of others. At times I wonder why I can’t just be ok with who I am, the voice I choose to project, and the ideas I choose to share?
These past two and half months have been exhilarating and meaningful, yet exhausting and at times painful, sad, and lonely. I wish I could have written on a regular basis…maybe they could have shown me a true reflection of my current state and perhaps I could have used those insights to get a better understanding of myself. I chose not to…I chose to avoid myself. I am so self-critical that I rather do nothing at all than to try and fail. Yet I preach to others all the time that failure is a great learning opportunity. In this, my very first entry, I would like to admit that I am afraid to be vulnerable, I am afraid to fail miserably at what I do, but that I can no longer be afraid or a hypocrite no more. Whether someone else approves of this and all entries hereafter or not, I am entitled to my thoughts and feelings and if anything, I value my thoughts, feeling, and opinions. With that, I publish my first entry.